Who am I?
Based on real life events..
I am a daughter by birth and a sister by chance.
I am a daughter through adoption.
I am a wife and a mother to four wonderful kids..
not perfect in any sense of the matter, yet still their mother.
I am a friend to one and all.
I do not judge people for what they look like rather try to see the
contents of their heart and go based on the perceptions that I see.
I feel that I am a good person, who would help anyone as much as I was able.
However, lately my character of who I am and the person that others know me to be
has been called into question.
Declaring me to be a fragile self absorbed person, not living in reality, unfit to be a mother, having a deplorable home so bad that the person who wrote this report said that I am suicidal and should not have my children with me any longer until I go to psycho therapy, attend parent classes and get my home in livable condition.
I have had my world turned upside down in the last six months and yes there were days that I may have cried an ocean, there may have been days when there were three baskets of laundry in the basement.
Here's what I know.
My husband is incarcerated and sentenced to 25 years of prison(only by the grace of God will that change.
My house was in foreclosure and God took care of that for 48 dollars.
My ex husband has been draining the life out of any money that I had (which was next to none) trying to get custody of the children that I have had for their entire lives.
I was told that my only source of income would be discontinued after February.
Children and youth were called and that makes me a target for them,, but thank The Lord they are actually on my side
Yeah, that about covers the stress that I have been under.,. not tot mention that fact that I have four children that I am raising all on my own with little outside help.
So excuse me if I have seemed a bit stressed and I ask any one who wants to challenge my parenting abilities.. exactly what kind of shape would they be in placed in my exact circumstances.
Here's my reality. I have kept my house going for almost 18 months by myself..
I have kept the bills paid on little or next to nothing.. the kids have survived and are actually doing well. (The girls have good grades)
I have not ended up in the nut hut or even come close though there were a couple of times without the support of my friends and some family. it might have been a close call
I have kept up all obligations with bills cars kids house and lawn, I have made sure that my children didn't starve or ever go hungry. They have been appropriately dressed for all seasons.. *well at least I provided the ability whether or not they chose to wear a coat was on them..ie the girls)
On top of these things. I have been involved with my church and started a jail ministry of writing to prisoners who are mostly lifers.
I have been a support to others who have family or friends incarcerated and even been their taxi to help them with their errands.. like picking them up to take them to visit their inmate, taking them to the grocery store, even taking my one friend to have her elderly cat put to sleep and picked up his ashes and delivered them when she couldn't do so for herself.
I feel that I have risen above the circumstances that life has thrown my way and am making strides to move forward despite all that has been taken from me.
I am currently studying to take the civil service test to be a postal carrier and on my fourth time taking a practice test got a 100% on part of the test.
So in all of this am I bragging.. nope absolutely not.. I am just saying that I am an over-comer and always have been.
Oh that lady's vicious report, yeah it cut me deep in my heart, but I know that is not who I am. Her words were biased and prejudiced against me, and most people who know my story, tell me that they think that I am strong and don't even know how I have made it this far.
Sometimes in life people will say things that are not true. Things that may cut you like a knife, but in reality each person knows that they have worth not based on what one person says or does.
I have always found my worth in what my Lord thinks of me.
He says that I am the apple of his eye, that he has my name carved on the palm of His hand. H says that I am a daughter of the king, co heirs with Jesus his son. He says that he loves me enough to die for me and enough to come again to take me to his Heaven to be with Him. God tells me of my worth and tells me to run to Him when I need a Safe Haven or a Rock or a Refuge.
So who am I? I am a daughter of the Most High God and I find my worth in Him.
I hope that when things go wrong in your life that you also may find your true worth and value in the One who loves you and cherishes you as His very own.
Amen!!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Overwhelming Goodness
This year has been one of the worst years ever, for me, emotionally.
I have had had more strain in 365 days than I think one person should have to endure in an entire lifetime.
My emotions have raced excitedly up one side of the roller coaster and back down the other in a plummeting crash.
I have prayed for friends and had their requests answered and prayed for my own and felt that I was bouncing my head against a brick wall of silence.
My patience has been stretched like a rubber band about ready to snap from too much pressure.
I have felt that there were times that I had one nerve left and it seemed as if someone was stomping on it, laughing in glee, at my demise.
My heart has poured out more tears than I thought were humanly possible, and yet there is probably more in the well spring where that came from.
Yet in all of this I will testify to my Heavenly Father's "Overwhelming Goodness".
In my moments of anguish and agony, my Heavenly Father has never left me standing alone.
He has been my Refuge in the midst of my storm and my Light House when I thought I was lost at sea.
My Lord has been my Fortress and my Rock of Salvation when I felt as though I was on an island of constant sinking sand.
When I have called out on the name of my Lord, He has been right there to hold my hand and lead the way through my dark stormy night, of loneliness and despair.
I would like to publicly acknowledge that without the support of my friends and family, I wouldn't have survived.
There were many days that one or more of them would call me just to ask how I was doing and if they had not.. I think I might have drowned in the gulf of overwhelmed-ness.
When I look at the presents that came into our home and lay under our home grown Christmas tree, I was starkly aware of God's goodness to us despite our circumstances.
I am thankful that God knows exactly what we need and is prepared to pour out the blessings of heaven even when we might feel like we do not deserve them.
If you feel like you are at the end of your rope and are about to fall off the cliff of stability..
May I suggest that you place your hand in the Hand of the Man who calmed the sea.
May I suggest that you turn your sorrows and your worries over to the God that created the mountains by the word of his mouth and breathed the very breath into our nostrils that we breath.
Let the One who has sustained me and blessed me beyond all measure amidst my grief and agony.. Let Him be your all in all. Let him be The God who gives you comfort as he has comforted me through the longest night of my life.
When you feel that you cannot hang on one second longer.. Know Him that is able to save completely and is able to bind up your broken heart and fill you with his presence that surpasses all human understanding.
I know and will give Him all the Glory forever. Does it mean that I will no longer grieve or feel anger at the circumstances of my life.. No but through it all I've learned to Trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God, no matter what life throws at me. I know that God is bigger than my problems and I will praise Him.
Amen!!
I have had had more strain in 365 days than I think one person should have to endure in an entire lifetime.
My emotions have raced excitedly up one side of the roller coaster and back down the other in a plummeting crash.
I have prayed for friends and had their requests answered and prayed for my own and felt that I was bouncing my head against a brick wall of silence.
My patience has been stretched like a rubber band about ready to snap from too much pressure.
I have felt that there were times that I had one nerve left and it seemed as if someone was stomping on it, laughing in glee, at my demise.
My heart has poured out more tears than I thought were humanly possible, and yet there is probably more in the well spring where that came from.
Yet in all of this I will testify to my Heavenly Father's "Overwhelming Goodness".
In my moments of anguish and agony, my Heavenly Father has never left me standing alone.
He has been my Refuge in the midst of my storm and my Light House when I thought I was lost at sea.
My Lord has been my Fortress and my Rock of Salvation when I felt as though I was on an island of constant sinking sand.
When I have called out on the name of my Lord, He has been right there to hold my hand and lead the way through my dark stormy night, of loneliness and despair.
I would like to publicly acknowledge that without the support of my friends and family, I wouldn't have survived.
There were many days that one or more of them would call me just to ask how I was doing and if they had not.. I think I might have drowned in the gulf of overwhelmed-ness.
When I look at the presents that came into our home and lay under our home grown Christmas tree, I was starkly aware of God's goodness to us despite our circumstances.
I am thankful that God knows exactly what we need and is prepared to pour out the blessings of heaven even when we might feel like we do not deserve them.
If you feel like you are at the end of your rope and are about to fall off the cliff of stability..
May I suggest that you place your hand in the Hand of the Man who calmed the sea.
May I suggest that you turn your sorrows and your worries over to the God that created the mountains by the word of his mouth and breathed the very breath into our nostrils that we breath.
Let the One who has sustained me and blessed me beyond all measure amidst my grief and agony.. Let Him be your all in all. Let him be The God who gives you comfort as he has comforted me through the longest night of my life.
When you feel that you cannot hang on one second longer.. Know Him that is able to save completely and is able to bind up your broken heart and fill you with his presence that surpasses all human understanding.
I know and will give Him all the Glory forever. Does it mean that I will no longer grieve or feel anger at the circumstances of my life.. No but through it all I've learned to Trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God, no matter what life throws at me. I know that God is bigger than my problems and I will praise Him.
Amen!!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
"Stepping on Toes"
Tonight, I am most likely going to be "stepping on toes". I am not pointing a bony finger at any one person in particular so please don't be offended! These are just some things that I have noticed and am bothered by and I thought I would pen them down.
Big breath.. now a big release!!
I want to say that when I drive around town, I see little and I mean little children out in the streets and alleys. I look to see "where's the mom? Is the dad nearby? Who's watching that kid any how. NO-ONE!!!
As I was driving to do my weekly visitation of someone who is in jail, the other day, there were about 5 or 6 small children ranging from 18m or less to about 5 years of age. An oncoming car was trying to proceed around the corner.. the baby was directly in the street. I wildly motioned for the driver to stop and wait, because I could see what she could not. A BABY!
The driver stopped and I called for one of the little ones to remove the baby from the street.. Then I got angry as I realized.. my goodness they are all just babies.. There was no mother no father no adult anywhere to be seen, except me and the other driver. She wagged her head in disbelief too!!
I was in the store yesterday getting stuff for my own sick children and there comes a little 2 or 3 year old.. calling mama mama.. i looked.. no mama..nowhere to be seen. little girl is crying.. then I look and there comes what must have been the sister. Looking for mama. Apparently, "Mama" thought it was a good idea to let her two children out of her sight while she was over in the magazine section checking out the latest gossip of Angelina and Jen and seeing what's coming on the soaps this week.
Okay here comes the ouchy part.. People need to wake up.. we don't live back in the 30's and 40's folks when the worst thing that could happen was Johnny stole a penny candy at the grocer shop.
No, we are living in a kid knap-rampant society, where uncles kill their nieces, where a neighbor has no qualms about going into a house and abducting a child. We live in a place where people pretend to be a nurse and steal a sick baby right out of the NICU. How sick is that!!
I was at the park a while back and there came two little fellows about the same age as my Jack and Garrett( add a year not much more) and they were at the park for about an hour..I did talk to them and said you boys should be getting home (dusk was upon the situation) and go straight home, don't stop to talk to anyone and tell your mommy that you are home.
My daughter said.." that makes you look like a sicko-Mom. I said no the one that looks like a sicko is the one sitting on her coach watching O or Dr. P and not giving a doggone that her two boys were in danger.. not from me, but what if a stranger had been there and decided ..." oh these are just the type I am looking for." And believe -you- me they are out there.
They were friendly little chaps as most young fellers are, a candy bribe or could you help me find my lost doggie story and those two could have disappeared for ever without a trace and why.. because someone wasn't watching.
My kids tell me almost daily that I am way too over protective and I should lighten up the reigns.
My reply to that is when you are a mom you can determine when to loosen things up a little bit.
So folks, let's go back to the basics of life where we know where our kids are at all times.. when I say no it still means no!! it doesn't mean push past no and see just how far you can get without hanging your self in that loop hole you found.
Mom's and dad's this is for you.. and any one who has care of children..
pay attention to where they are .. keep them with you as much as possible check on the computer pages. erase all filth. and do not allow them to think that just because they turned a certain age, you have no control.. cuz we have control and responsibility of them until they are moved into their own place and are making it on their own in life.
Okay enough stepping on toes.. I'm going to get some ZZZZZZ's
Big breath.. now a big release!!
I want to say that when I drive around town, I see little and I mean little children out in the streets and alleys. I look to see "where's the mom? Is the dad nearby? Who's watching that kid any how. NO-ONE!!!
As I was driving to do my weekly visitation of someone who is in jail, the other day, there were about 5 or 6 small children ranging from 18m or less to about 5 years of age. An oncoming car was trying to proceed around the corner.. the baby was directly in the street. I wildly motioned for the driver to stop and wait, because I could see what she could not. A BABY!
The driver stopped and I called for one of the little ones to remove the baby from the street.. Then I got angry as I realized.. my goodness they are all just babies.. There was no mother no father no adult anywhere to be seen, except me and the other driver. She wagged her head in disbelief too!!
I was in the store yesterday getting stuff for my own sick children and there comes a little 2 or 3 year old.. calling mama mama.. i looked.. no mama..nowhere to be seen. little girl is crying.. then I look and there comes what must have been the sister. Looking for mama. Apparently, "Mama" thought it was a good idea to let her two children out of her sight while she was over in the magazine section checking out the latest gossip of Angelina and Jen and seeing what's coming on the soaps this week.
Okay here comes the ouchy part.. People need to wake up.. we don't live back in the 30's and 40's folks when the worst thing that could happen was Johnny stole a penny candy at the grocer shop.
No, we are living in a kid knap-rampant society, where uncles kill their nieces, where a neighbor has no qualms about going into a house and abducting a child. We live in a place where people pretend to be a nurse and steal a sick baby right out of the NICU. How sick is that!!
I was at the park a while back and there came two little fellows about the same age as my Jack and Garrett( add a year not much more) and they were at the park for about an hour..I did talk to them and said you boys should be getting home (dusk was upon the situation) and go straight home, don't stop to talk to anyone and tell your mommy that you are home.
My daughter said.." that makes you look like a sicko-Mom. I said no the one that looks like a sicko is the one sitting on her coach watching O or Dr. P and not giving a doggone that her two boys were in danger.. not from me, but what if a stranger had been there and decided ..." oh these are just the type I am looking for." And believe -you- me they are out there.
They were friendly little chaps as most young fellers are, a candy bribe or could you help me find my lost doggie story and those two could have disappeared for ever without a trace and why.. because someone wasn't watching.
My kids tell me almost daily that I am way too over protective and I should lighten up the reigns.
My reply to that is when you are a mom you can determine when to loosen things up a little bit.
So folks, let's go back to the basics of life where we know where our kids are at all times.. when I say no it still means no!! it doesn't mean push past no and see just how far you can get without hanging your self in that loop hole you found.
Mom's and dad's this is for you.. and any one who has care of children..
pay attention to where they are .. keep them with you as much as possible check on the computer pages. erase all filth. and do not allow them to think that just because they turned a certain age, you have no control.. cuz we have control and responsibility of them until they are moved into their own place and are making it on their own in life.
Okay enough stepping on toes.. I'm going to get some ZZZZZZ's
Saturday, October 23, 2010
To be 16
16 years ago today,
I lay on a white bed,
screaming my head off,
pushing for all I was worth
forever it seemed.
They could see hair.
blonde they said.
I could just feel pain.
Pure agony. Just get her out.
I wailed.
I prevailed.
She came.
She cried.
She looked around .
She is Hannah.
Hannah is outspoken and strong willed.
Hannah is a loop hole finder.
Hannah is a friend without question.
Hannah is a scrapper and a fighter.
She is Hannah.
She sets her mind.
Try to change it.
She will get what she wants.
She is in charge and don't forget it.
She knows no limits.
She is my Hannah.
Black hair not Blonde when she was born.
They were blind.. not me..
Now she has Blonde hair, shines like gold.
Her hair gives her fits, it has to be cut!
She is my Hannah.
There are days when we butt heads,
Say words we probably shouldn't say,
Go in our own separate ways,
Say fine be that way..
She is my Hannah.
I love her dearly and wouldn't trade her for the
world. though I often joke her
that if someone were to kidnap her
they would bring her back with an apology note
and I would be glad to say
Good.. because she is my Hannah.
Happy birthday sweetheart and I hope that
life leads you down a road of happiness
and that one day you will find your dreams
and they will all come true.
I love you my Hannah. I do and don't ever forget it.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
It's Possible
This writing is to inspire you in your life.. I will keep it fresh and real as always.. I hope that you're inspired and this helps you make it thru yet another day..
If you know me personally, you know that life has been throwing me a curve ball about every other day or so. I think that the deck of cards has been stacked against me and the "house" so to speak is trying to cash in what chips I have left of sanity.
So here is a small portion, cuz I am still not truly at liberty to "tell all" maybe in a couple of months, I will be able to do so but for now, just know that the past 13 months have definitely been the most difficult in all of my life.
Foster homes, mental, physical, emotional abuse, neglect, trauma of every kind, you name it and I most likely experienced it. Fast forward to adulthood. Five miscarriages, a lost adoption, a failed marriage.
A second marriage.. to a guy that I love and cherish.. but I can't go there right now, because there's many chapters about this that I cannot post right now. I will sometime, I promise.
I have had my share of heart aches and disappointments to say the least, and that most likely, the past 13 months have been the worst of my life.
Loneliness, heart aches, disaster of every shape and form ( I have a 2 and a 3 yr old.) Being a mother of four children and trying to raise them on my own.
Currently, my ex husband is suing me for custody of my two daughters.. of which is a laughable joke, but no joking matter. His record is less than pristine. His absent-ness in their lives for the past five years will speak volumes. My records of child support or lack there of is black and white proof of his failure as a father.. yet he says he is the better parent!
Then on top of all of this I have issues with other people in my life that instead of trying to help, they want to criticize and hurt my feelings to boot.
Let's just say that life has been one thing after the next and I haven't actually gone berserk yet, though a few times, I think I saw the men in the little white coats just around the corner ready to take me in. Or better yet, whenever there is a loud knock on the door I automatically assume that it is the cops! That is a shame, right. Yeah! That's what I think too.
I will switch gears to the real reason of this post.
Sometimes life is "helter-skelter!" Life throws a monkey wrench or two or a hundred in my case> Kids scream. Messes happen. Feelings get hurt. Challenges are all around. Bills have to get paid (sometimes even when we don't know where the dough will come from..right?) The house needs cleaned. The dogs bark, people we care about are sick and die. Teenager issues, older parent issues, etc.` Your nerves feel like they will explode if one more thing occurs.. right?
Yep! The list could go on and on and fill up a whole page or more. If I polled each one of you and all your friends and family, we would find out that life is full of stress and chaos.
Is it possible to be happy and content in these situations.. I think the answer is yes. Do I think that we have to have a smile plastered across our faces all the time, no and that's not real.
Honestly, I know the only way that I have not succumbed to the overwhelming urge to throw in the towel in my life on many occasions, has been the fact that I have the Lord on my side.
The God I serve is bigger than any of my problems and since I realize that he created the entire universe, knows each star by name and can remember the events of my life from the moment of conception until now and knows all those details for the 6 billion other people in this world too, I can rest and let Him handle things.
He sees the whole picture as a whole, whereas I only see the little bits and chunks of my life and mostly only have memories of the past, I know the current pretty well, but have no clue of what the next moment or how the future will play out.
I have come to a better understanding of what happened to Job in the Old Testament.
God asked Satan, "have you considered my servant Job?" to which Satan replied "yes but you have your hand of protection on him."
With that God allowed Satan to touch certain aspects of Job's life, but God still held the upper hand, as to exactly what Satan was allowed to do and what he was not permitted to do. Yep! He pretty well destroyed every aspect of Job's life. But God WAS STILL IN CONTROL.
That has been my stabilizer during everything that I have been going thru. God is in ultimate control and will allow things to occur in our lives but he won't let Satan go beyond what he is allowed to do.
This is what can give us peace in the storm and help us to remain calm in the biggest crisis we have been in yet. I say yet, because until you are dead and gone, a bigger one could come.
It's how I can say to my ex husband.. you know even if the judge would award you custody of our children, even though you have proven to be a "dead- beat" dad for most of their lives.. I know that God has a plan and is in control.
The fact that God has the proverbial "wheel of life", helps when people criticize instead of help me.
I rest each night in the arms of Jesus, knowing that yes I could lose my $, but if that should happen I know the Creator of the Universe and I believe Him when he promises to provide all my needs.
So today, take stock in the fact that God is in control, no matter what the circumstances are and if you allow God to be God you will still be able to smile when the hurricane called "life" comes rushing through!!
Have a great day and know that God Is In Control!!
If you know me personally, you know that life has been throwing me a curve ball about every other day or so. I think that the deck of cards has been stacked against me and the "house" so to speak is trying to cash in what chips I have left of sanity.
So here is a small portion, cuz I am still not truly at liberty to "tell all" maybe in a couple of months, I will be able to do so but for now, just know that the past 13 months have definitely been the most difficult in all of my life.
Foster homes, mental, physical, emotional abuse, neglect, trauma of every kind, you name it and I most likely experienced it. Fast forward to adulthood. Five miscarriages, a lost adoption, a failed marriage.
A second marriage.. to a guy that I love and cherish.. but I can't go there right now, because there's many chapters about this that I cannot post right now. I will sometime, I promise.
I have had my share of heart aches and disappointments to say the least, and that most likely, the past 13 months have been the worst of my life.
Loneliness, heart aches, disaster of every shape and form ( I have a 2 and a 3 yr old.) Being a mother of four children and trying to raise them on my own.
Currently, my ex husband is suing me for custody of my two daughters.. of which is a laughable joke, but no joking matter. His record is less than pristine. His absent-ness in their lives for the past five years will speak volumes. My records of child support or lack there of is black and white proof of his failure as a father.. yet he says he is the better parent!
Then on top of all of this I have issues with other people in my life that instead of trying to help, they want to criticize and hurt my feelings to boot.
Let's just say that life has been one thing after the next and I haven't actually gone berserk yet, though a few times, I think I saw the men in the little white coats just around the corner ready to take me in. Or better yet, whenever there is a loud knock on the door I automatically assume that it is the cops! That is a shame, right. Yeah! That's what I think too.
I will switch gears to the real reason of this post.
Sometimes life is "helter-skelter!" Life throws a monkey wrench or two or a hundred in my case> Kids scream. Messes happen. Feelings get hurt. Challenges are all around. Bills have to get paid (sometimes even when we don't know where the dough will come from..right?) The house needs cleaned. The dogs bark, people we care about are sick and die. Teenager issues, older parent issues, etc.` Your nerves feel like they will explode if one more thing occurs.. right?
Yep! The list could go on and on and fill up a whole page or more. If I polled each one of you and all your friends and family, we would find out that life is full of stress and chaos.
Is it possible to be happy and content in these situations.. I think the answer is yes. Do I think that we have to have a smile plastered across our faces all the time, no and that's not real.
Honestly, I know the only way that I have not succumbed to the overwhelming urge to throw in the towel in my life on many occasions, has been the fact that I have the Lord on my side.
The God I serve is bigger than any of my problems and since I realize that he created the entire universe, knows each star by name and can remember the events of my life from the moment of conception until now and knows all those details for the 6 billion other people in this world too, I can rest and let Him handle things.
He sees the whole picture as a whole, whereas I only see the little bits and chunks of my life and mostly only have memories of the past, I know the current pretty well, but have no clue of what the next moment or how the future will play out.
I have come to a better understanding of what happened to Job in the Old Testament.
God asked Satan, "have you considered my servant Job?" to which Satan replied "yes but you have your hand of protection on him."
With that God allowed Satan to touch certain aspects of Job's life, but God still held the upper hand, as to exactly what Satan was allowed to do and what he was not permitted to do. Yep! He pretty well destroyed every aspect of Job's life. But God WAS STILL IN CONTROL.
That has been my stabilizer during everything that I have been going thru. God is in ultimate control and will allow things to occur in our lives but he won't let Satan go beyond what he is allowed to do.
This is what can give us peace in the storm and help us to remain calm in the biggest crisis we have been in yet. I say yet, because until you are dead and gone, a bigger one could come.
It's how I can say to my ex husband.. you know even if the judge would award you custody of our children, even though you have proven to be a "dead- beat" dad for most of their lives.. I know that God has a plan and is in control.
The fact that God has the proverbial "wheel of life", helps when people criticize instead of help me.
I rest each night in the arms of Jesus, knowing that yes I could lose my $, but if that should happen I know the Creator of the Universe and I believe Him when he promises to provide all my needs.
So today, take stock in the fact that God is in control, no matter what the circumstances are and if you allow God to be God you will still be able to smile when the hurricane called "life" comes rushing through!!
Have a great day and know that God Is In Control!!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
What's worse a messy house or..
I am going to talk about something today, that is a sore subject for some people..
You know me, I always keep it real and it's usually fresh off the press of my heart.
Today, I had something happen that I don't feel should ever happen.
A person who is supposed to be very close to me and love me even if I have faults and even if one of them is the fact that my house isn't always "perfect."
Guess what? It generally isn't.. until about 8 pm at night and then the "momsters" go to bed and what I just cleaned stays that way until the four of them come charging down the steps the next morning, raring to greet the day and ready to sweep thru like a raging bull in a china closet.
So here is the story.. I was talking to this dear person on the phone and so that no feelings get hurt (except mine of course.. I will not insert a name.. fair enough.)
I was talking on the phone to this person and the conversation seemed to be going okay.. then I asked the person if they would like to come down to visit me on the weekend because I missed them and just wanted to spend some time with them.
As always, with this person.. I was putting myself out there to be trampled on, because the answer is usually the same "Well we are busy with our lives and you know that someone is working..."
So I started to back off to spare my feelings of hurt from coming thru the phone.. and that is when the person said "well you should be able to read thru the lines here."
Actually, I am a nice person and kind of naive at times so I said truthfully, "no I don't know what you mean about reading between the lines."
They said "Well, I don't want to be at your house for a long period of time and actually I don't even want to eat at your house.. the last time I was there, your house was so bad.. why if children and youth would see your daughters bed room.. oh my you might get condemned.."
To which I very quickly kicked into my "protection of me" mode * see note at the end*
and said "oh that is okay, I've gotta go now." and immediately hung up the phone and of course started to cry.
My home isn't perfect by any sense of the word, but it is my home and I do the best that I can to keep it cozy and comfortable for my family and for any who choose to visit.
You know what hurts the most, is the fact that we shouldn't have to have our guard up around our hearts to protect us from daggers from people who are supposed to be our support base, the ones we turn to when we need love, the ones we love unconditionally, even when they hurt us.
To me, if I would ever treat another person that way, that would be worse than having a deplorable house. The person's heart is way more important to me than what they look like or the condition of their home.
Am I advocating that people should live in filth and just say to heck with it I quit..
No I am saying that in life, not all things are perfect, and usually no one thinks their house is ever quite clean enough. But one thing is for certain.. if you called me up and said Georgia I am hurting right now, could I come over.. my door would swing wide to let you have room to unload the heavy burden of your heart and I hope that if I served you tea you would overlook the fact that perhaps the cup may have a slight chip in the side.
I would rather have a chip in the cup or a spot of dirt on the floor, maybe even a cobweb hanging from above than have a chip in my heart or soil in my attitude, or clobber someone that I love with the words that I may say.
Let us choose carefully the way we treat others remembering that we are all not perfect and in one way or the other we all fall short of The Glory of God.
Lord, right here in the public view of whoever reads this blog.. let me pray for the one that stuck a dagger in my heart today and gave it a good hardy twist. Please bless that person with a dose of joy so that they may over look my faults and short comings even my chaotic house..
And Lord, help me to remember that I get my worth from being your daughter and that even though I may not be good enough for certain people.. Lord I am good enough for you and that will help me to sleep easier in my bed tonight.. even if I don't make it properly in the morning.
What is my protection of me mode: No one is going to disrespect me any more. I will walk away, get in my car and drive away or hang up the phone..
The reason why?
Cuz my name is not"Matt" door mat
You know me, I always keep it real and it's usually fresh off the press of my heart.
Today, I had something happen that I don't feel should ever happen.
A person who is supposed to be very close to me and love me even if I have faults and even if one of them is the fact that my house isn't always "perfect."
Guess what? It generally isn't.. until about 8 pm at night and then the "momsters" go to bed and what I just cleaned stays that way until the four of them come charging down the steps the next morning, raring to greet the day and ready to sweep thru like a raging bull in a china closet.
So here is the story.. I was talking to this dear person on the phone and so that no feelings get hurt (except mine of course.. I will not insert a name.. fair enough.)
I was talking on the phone to this person and the conversation seemed to be going okay.. then I asked the person if they would like to come down to visit me on the weekend because I missed them and just wanted to spend some time with them.
As always, with this person.. I was putting myself out there to be trampled on, because the answer is usually the same "Well we are busy with our lives and you know that someone is working..."
So I started to back off to spare my feelings of hurt from coming thru the phone.. and that is when the person said "well you should be able to read thru the lines here."
Actually, I am a nice person and kind of naive at times so I said truthfully, "no I don't know what you mean about reading between the lines."
They said "Well, I don't want to be at your house for a long period of time and actually I don't even want to eat at your house.. the last time I was there, your house was so bad.. why if children and youth would see your daughters bed room.. oh my you might get condemned.."
To which I very quickly kicked into my "protection of me" mode * see note at the end*
and said "oh that is okay, I've gotta go now." and immediately hung up the phone and of course started to cry.
My home isn't perfect by any sense of the word, but it is my home and I do the best that I can to keep it cozy and comfortable for my family and for any who choose to visit.
You know what hurts the most, is the fact that we shouldn't have to have our guard up around our hearts to protect us from daggers from people who are supposed to be our support base, the ones we turn to when we need love, the ones we love unconditionally, even when they hurt us.
To me, if I would ever treat another person that way, that would be worse than having a deplorable house. The person's heart is way more important to me than what they look like or the condition of their home.
Am I advocating that people should live in filth and just say to heck with it I quit..
No I am saying that in life, not all things are perfect, and usually no one thinks their house is ever quite clean enough. But one thing is for certain.. if you called me up and said Georgia I am hurting right now, could I come over.. my door would swing wide to let you have room to unload the heavy burden of your heart and I hope that if I served you tea you would overlook the fact that perhaps the cup may have a slight chip in the side.
I would rather have a chip in the cup or a spot of dirt on the floor, maybe even a cobweb hanging from above than have a chip in my heart or soil in my attitude, or clobber someone that I love with the words that I may say.
Let us choose carefully the way we treat others remembering that we are all not perfect and in one way or the other we all fall short of The Glory of God.
Lord, right here in the public view of whoever reads this blog.. let me pray for the one that stuck a dagger in my heart today and gave it a good hardy twist. Please bless that person with a dose of joy so that they may over look my faults and short comings even my chaotic house..
And Lord, help me to remember that I get my worth from being your daughter and that even though I may not be good enough for certain people.. Lord I am good enough for you and that will help me to sleep easier in my bed tonight.. even if I don't make it properly in the morning.
What is my protection of me mode: No one is going to disrespect me any more. I will walk away, get in my car and drive away or hang up the phone..
The reason why?
Cuz my name is not"Matt" door mat
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
You think you got it tough?
You think your life is so hard?
Your life could be different?
Maybe you wish for a different house or different kids
(only on certain days I know..)
Well, tonight I am going to share with you a couple of real life stories..
I have a friend named "L". L has been incarcerated for 36 years. She is 65 years old and will spend the rest of her natural life in prison.
I I have a friend "R" that has been arrested 37 times and that last one will land him in state prison for the next 30 years without parole. "R" is 65.
I have another friend that is in prison for 12-25 years and was threatened that if he didn't cooperate with new laws that were formulated after his initial incarceration.. that If you don't comply with these new laws you will serve your maximum sentence.
I know someone who plead guilty to crimes he didn't commit and was jailed for 2-30 years and will most likely spend a good portion of the latter number in jail for reasons that are beyond my understanding.
I know a lady that is in jail for several more years for harming her child.. she is being punished for a crime that she committed but honestly doesn't have the understanding of an adult and therefore shouldn't have been tried as such.
I know a man that viewed and downloaded hundreds of videos of porn.. yes kiddy porn.. and will spend the next ten years in a Federal Prison.
I know a man that was accused not once but twice of touching a child in an inappropriate way and was convicted both times and I am convinced of his innocence.. I know more about this person than I do all the others. I am strongly aware of every detail of this case.
To most people this comes as a shock that I would associate with the "likes of these"
but to me they are just people. All of them are people searching for God and seeking truth and life.
Lord let me be the one that loves these that are disgraceful, let me be the one that you place your mantle on, the one that the prisoners can come home and talk to.
Lord let me be the eyes for the unsightly, let me be your hands of those that are broken, let me be your arms to reach around a mom and her kids when all seems to fail.
Let me be a miracle in their deepest darkest night.
Pour me out as a drink offering to the ones who are in prison, to show them Lord
that though the world despises them, Lord that you still love and cherish them and that you have their name carved in the palm of your hands.
Let me be a ray of hope that can somehow pull them from the depths of despair. Let the words that flow from my pen be guarded by angels as they read with tears flowing down their cheeks onto their heart, that you loved them and died for them and choose that none should perish
Lord let me love them as you have loved me and not look at them with a judging spirit.. But with the eyes of Jesus. Full of love and compassion for the hurting souls.
When I think that my days are so very long and so awfully Hard.. let me remember "L" who doesn't know how long until she draws her final breath, ( that I know there are times she wished it would finally come today.)
Let my heart remember that if it wasn't for your mercy and grace in my life, God, that I could be sitting on my cot day after day and wondering when will that last breath come. Or when will someone finally be my friend and give me some hope?
Think your life is tough,, and yes each of us goes through things that are extremely difficult, sometimes unbearable and down right unbelievable. Trust me, I know, because for the past five years.. I have had one night mare after the other and just when I think it couldn't get any worse than the unthinkable happens and another chapter has begun.
Lord, let my eyes see your people who are hurting and allow me to pour your love into them and make them brand new just like you did for me.
Lord make me whole and complete.. so the love that pours out of me comes straight from you. Amen
Your life could be different?
Maybe you wish for a different house or different kids
(only on certain days I know..)
Well, tonight I am going to share with you a couple of real life stories..
I have a friend named "L". L has been incarcerated for 36 years. She is 65 years old and will spend the rest of her natural life in prison.
I I have a friend "R" that has been arrested 37 times and that last one will land him in state prison for the next 30 years without parole. "R" is 65.
I have another friend that is in prison for 12-25 years and was threatened that if he didn't cooperate with new laws that were formulated after his initial incarceration.. that If you don't comply with these new laws you will serve your maximum sentence.
I know someone who plead guilty to crimes he didn't commit and was jailed for 2-30 years and will most likely spend a good portion of the latter number in jail for reasons that are beyond my understanding.
I know a lady that is in jail for several more years for harming her child.. she is being punished for a crime that she committed but honestly doesn't have the understanding of an adult and therefore shouldn't have been tried as such.
I know a man that viewed and downloaded hundreds of videos of porn.. yes kiddy porn.. and will spend the next ten years in a Federal Prison.
I know a man that was accused not once but twice of touching a child in an inappropriate way and was convicted both times and I am convinced of his innocence.. I know more about this person than I do all the others. I am strongly aware of every detail of this case.
To most people this comes as a shock that I would associate with the "likes of these"
but to me they are just people. All of them are people searching for God and seeking truth and life.
Lord let me be the one that loves these that are disgraceful, let me be the one that you place your mantle on, the one that the prisoners can come home and talk to.
Lord let me be the eyes for the unsightly, let me be your hands of those that are broken, let me be your arms to reach around a mom and her kids when all seems to fail.
Let me be a miracle in their deepest darkest night.
Pour me out as a drink offering to the ones who are in prison, to show them Lord
that though the world despises them, Lord that you still love and cherish them and that you have their name carved in the palm of your hands.
Let me be a ray of hope that can somehow pull them from the depths of despair. Let the words that flow from my pen be guarded by angels as they read with tears flowing down their cheeks onto their heart, that you loved them and died for them and choose that none should perish
Lord let me love them as you have loved me and not look at them with a judging spirit.. But with the eyes of Jesus. Full of love and compassion for the hurting souls.
When I think that my days are so very long and so awfully Hard.. let me remember "L" who doesn't know how long until she draws her final breath, ( that I know there are times she wished it would finally come today.)
Let my heart remember that if it wasn't for your mercy and grace in my life, God, that I could be sitting on my cot day after day and wondering when will that last breath come. Or when will someone finally be my friend and give me some hope?
Think your life is tough,, and yes each of us goes through things that are extremely difficult, sometimes unbearable and down right unbelievable. Trust me, I know, because for the past five years.. I have had one night mare after the other and just when I think it couldn't get any worse than the unthinkable happens and another chapter has begun.
Lord, let my eyes see your people who are hurting and allow me to pour your love into them and make them brand new just like you did for me.
Lord make me whole and complete.. so the love that pours out of me comes straight from you. Amen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
