Broken Dreams

As a little girl, I had the same dreams as other girls, to grow up one day
to be a princess, to meet my knight in shining armor, to ride off into the sun set, to live happily ever after, with our perfect little children, in a perfect little dream world where nothing ever went wrong.
I'm sure lots of people had that same fantasy and then one day, they realized.... ummmm.... wellllll.... that isn't going to work out quite as I had planned.
When my first divorce was final, I got a good dose of reality that said... yeah your life isn't going to have that perfect little happy ending that you always dreamed of.
I had two children and a failed marriage... of which I take credit for my portion and the rest is just bad history.....
Then, marriage #2 came along and I thought Oh.... this time it is going to be better.. I know everything that went wrong the first time around, and I know all the mistakes not to make and all the ones to look for in this one...
Psyche!!!!! No this one had it's own pit falls and things I couldn't predict from my magic marriage ball of wonders.
This one came with it's own ups and downs and now that I am in it up to my elbows almost 9 years later... we have had our share of difficulties.. more than I can tell you in this blog..
As a matter of fact, my anniversary is Christmas Eve and it is the fourth one of nine that I will be "Celebrating" alone... because he is incarcerated.. for crimes he didn't commit.
Anyone can say anything they want, but I have all the facts and have lived this now for 6 years... so spare the judgement if you please...
Right now, I am typing at 5:30 am because I was laying on the couch... couldn't sleep, not for the first time either since he's been gone..
Thinking about my life and the loss of things I had planned and hoped for.. to be able to celebrate my anniversary together.. to plan where we would go to make it special... not ever thinking as a kid.. that I would have to go to jail and have salad and soda which kind would you like me to get for you dear?
Thinking about Christmas coming up the next day... and how I wish my little boys could be waking up to Christmas morning after months of anticipation and see the joy in their daddy's eyes as he would watch them open their presents that we had so carefully picked out....
But that has never actually happened for this is his third Christmas gone and they are 3 and 4 so nope that isn't the case...
It is just me... having to go it alone.. no one to help with the wrapping or the tree or anything... just me laying on the couch crying and wishing he were here to hold me and wipe away all the tears, that never seem to end..
They flow down my cheeks just watching a stupid tv show that always has a happy ending.. you know there is always a Christmas miracle on tv..
But not for me.. just pain and suffering stress and heartache...
broken dreams that seem to way so heavy on me..
I want to be happy and share my life with the one I love... but that is not the case...
So yes, in here I can whine and lay it all out.. I only have a few followers of my blog.. so this isn't going to make national news... I am not running for president or any other major roll and if I ever do.. well if they ever read this blog that I wrote in my distress... well then at least the world would know that I was a real person with real feelings....
I am always the one that tries to keep it real, but tries to end with the positive so that the reader, goes away feeling empowered.. like yes if Georgia can go though that.. and still smile.. and trust God then maybe I can go through what ever it is that he or she might be experiencing at that moment...
So let me say... Yes I have broken dreams, shattered laying on the floor of my life, even as I write this.. but I do know who is my Rock and I lean on Jesus every day..
With out Him as my savior, I wouldn't have made it through this journey that has been my life..
never a bowl of cherries.. always hard from early childhood until this very moment in time, but Jesus is the answer to my life..
He is picking up the broken pieces of my life and putting them back in some sort of semblance.. what I see is the broken bits of tile, like the plaque I made for my friends the Youngs... It is laying there all ready for the grout, but without the grout it just looks like chunks of pottery.. and that is the way my life feels like hunks of brokenness..
I am so glad for the Potter... He knows my life has been full of broken dreams and heart ache and He is so gently picking up each sliver of my life and mending me back together...
Do I wish the healing was already over and that my life was back to "NORMAl...ummmmm yeeeeeesssss... but at this point I seriously don't even know what normAL is... I am in the barely making it stage... But i know whom my Redeemer is and for that I am so thankful.
I know that Jesus is the anchor that I cling to and with HIM... I will never be alone..
Thank you Lord...